Safety & big emotions
Who loves simplifying science? Me! My understanding of neuroscience and the brain provides me with a deep understanding of why kids react the way they do and why I am triggered and react the way I do. Put simply, our complex nervous system is parenting a growing/developing complex nervous system (often more than one of them and each one is perfectly unique). And sometimes we are in perfect synchrony (stress hormones, heart rate, breathing rate, and anxiety levels are all correlated between parent and child). Our brains are wired for safety and from a very early age our kids watch us and learn what is safe and what is not.
Have you heard of the term Neuroception? Stephen Porges coined this term and uses it to describe the feeling of “safety” in our bodies. Neuroception is invisible but it has incredibly powerful effects. Neuroception describes the way that the body and brain are constantly working in the background to detect threats (and safety). Neuroception is a feeling, it is sensory, and I would link it to the sensory discomforts that many of our kids experience (noise, seams, certain foods). It is one of these things that is hard to measure, however sensory issues in autism were so compelling that they were included in the DSM-5.
Neuroception is at work FAR before we develop high-level cognitive skills. A newborn baby comes programmed to detect danger and crave the feeling of safety and security. Often when our kids are dysregulated, anxious or behaving in ways that challenge us we jump into reasoning, discussions about behaviour, emotions, bribes, rewards, and punishments (yes, I have been here) … Do they work? Many times, they don’t. This is because, often, these behaviours are an obvious symptom of a stress/distress body response. Remember, the key job of the nervous system is to keep us alive.
Strong emotions (e.g., fear, anxiety or stress) activate a region of the limbic system called the amygdala. Stress hormones such as cortisol are released and areas of the frontal lobe that control logic, thought and cognition fail to operate as normal. Most of us have experienced high levels of stress/overwhelm where we literally cannot think. Our amygdala is at its peak volume at around age 11 but continues to develop until we are in our twenties. What is frustrating is that the amygdala often sends out a stress response when there is no actual threat (it tends to be very good at its job – remember this structure evolved to keep us safe from sabre tooth tigers, ferocious mountain lions etc). Exposure to early adverse events/trauma will lead to excessive levels of cortisol which has adverse effects on regions of the limbic system such as the amygdala and hippocampus.
Under threat, our bodies automatically activate defence systems (fight or flight or shutdown/freeze). You may notice your child run away or react with anger, kicking and shouting. This activates our own fight or flight responses and so the cycle continues (particularly if we are tired, anxious or stressed). Strong emotions drive the fight/flight or free response. This can look like:
Watch your child carefully the next time they are out of synch. Remember, bottom-up behaviours are driven by our central nervous system. They are:
· Reflexive, automatic, responses to stress
Unconscious (they do not involve high-level thinking)
Born from the instinctive drive to stay safe
Driven by the limbic system and amygdala
Part of a vital threat detection system
In contrast, top-down behaviours are:
Considered controllable, intentional, and planned
Changing and evolving over time
Linked to learning and the environment
Related to social problem-solving, logic and executive function skills
Controlled by high-level thinking and logic
What this means, it that what we consider problem behaviours are often adaptive responses to feelings of stress or not feeling safe. As parents, we expend a huge amount of energy on top-down behaviours. We reason, rationalise, and discuss techniques to regulate emotions, bribe or punish etc. Often, we need to take pause and ask – What is this behaviour telling us? What is affecting my child right now? This is a very different question to – How do we get rid of this behaviour ASAP?
So back to neuroception and the importance of working from the bottom up. Notice and observe. Often these big emotions are the bodi’s way of telling us “I don’t feel safe” – “I am ready to fight”. That feeling of safety is vital. And it comes back again to connection and co-regulation (the work of Mona Delahooke is incredibly powerful). I parent one child who is very anxious and can morph into “fight mode” within milliseconds (legs and arms flying, throwing, shouting, hissing, total fire cat!). The only thing that works is finding my calm (a few deep breaths) and stepping in for a cuddle. High-level discussions about what could or should be done are not helpful but slowing that little pounding heart stops next-level escalation (90% of the time!).
Modelling appropriate stress responses has been shown to help decrease cortisol levels in kids. Powerful stuff. But it means that we must be okay (trying the above can be very tough when you have not slept well, have a million questions being fired at your, the house is a mess, the dog is barking because your ADHDer hasn’t fed it, and are late for work).
One of the toughest things about this parenting gig is that kids learn emotion regulation by watching adults manage their emotions (modelling) and by practicing co-regulation. Co-regulation is a supportive process that occurs between children and adults as they learn to find their calm together. This process relies on both parties feeling safe and secure. This is not always easy. We can help our children manage strong emotions by providing warm and positive relationships, unconditional positive regard, and a safe environment with predictable routines. The graphic below was created by Kristin Wiens and sums this up beautifully.
Co-regulation - when their storm meets our calm …
I cover this information in more depth in my EF and Emotion Regulation Course - please see Our course
I also strongly advise parents/caregivers to look after themselves. Self-care and positive mental health are vital. Do not be afraid to ask for help. My next update will delve a little deeper and introduce you to polyvagal theory. While this sounds very scary and scientific, it makes a lot of sense and (best of all), provides real-world solutions for finding and maintaining calm.
Ref: Porges, S.W. (2004). Neuroception: A subconscious system for detecting threats and safety. Zero to Three, 24(5), 19-24.